How to Love That Woman in the Mirror
By Thea Singer
O, The Oprah Magazine
The amount of misery we suffer just from the heft of our thighs, not to mention the misbehavior of our skin, just might—if you could quantify it—inspire a global initiative. The topic has certainly intrigued Nancy Etcoff, PhD, author of Survival of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty, and a Harvard Medical School psychologist whose research concentrates on appearance and happiness. Three years ago she founded the Program in Aesthetics and Well-Being at Massachusetts General Hospital to explore how concepts of beauty relate to satisfaction. Recently she sat down with O to tell us what she's learned:
O: Hasn't the whole beauty industry gotten out of control? And aren't women the worse for all this hype on looking young?
Etcoff: If we say, "Just get rid of the advertisements and tell the companies to stop making products, and no one will care about beauty—this is all just a creation that we can wipe away," we are denying who we are. People do care about how they look. They have adorned themselves since Paleolithic times. This is not a vanity issue or a women's issue or a United States issue. It is human nature.
O: How much of a woman's happiness is based on her appearance?
Etcoff: That's a hard question to answer, but we know that people who focus a lot on their looks as a major source of their self-esteem tend to be a lot less happy than people who focus on, say, their social life. Why? In general we're social animals, so people without good relationships tend to be less happy; the same is true if you're not doing work or other activities that bring out your strengths. Those are the sources of real happiness, not external things like money or beauty.
O: Can a positive sense of self make you more physically attractive?
Etcoff: Watch a woman enter a room with that sense of confidence, that sense of "I matter, I'm worthwhile." The way she walks, her facial expression, everything about her says, "Look at me." Really, why do we care about being beautiful? We care because we don't want to be excluded. We want attention. Right from the start, babies look straight at your face and into your eyes. When you look away, they get upset. There is that little baby in all of us: "The world is so big—how do I get your attention?"
O: Is there any way—barring cosmetic surgery—to change your attitude about how you look?
Etcoff: Scientists researching body image have done eye-tracking studies, in which people are asked to stare in the mirror. Subjects don't look at anything they think is good; they just stare at their so-called faults. Stop that. Retrain yourself: "Why don't I look at what I like? I like my lips—what lip shade should I wear today?"
O: Any other suggestions?
Etcoff: We tend to think about social support bringing happiness, but it's also very important to give support to other people. There is a lot of evidence that suggests that those who volunteer are happier. Feeling part of something larger than you is very important. When you do something good for someone else, the reward system of your brain lights up. We tend to seek things that actually contribute very minimally to our happiness—like a nicer car and, again, looking perfect. So know where your own joy resides: What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What is meaningful? What is going to keep making you happy for a long time?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Suze Ohrman to Octomom
Suze: Seriously. I wanted to do this show because I wanted us to start changing people's addiction to judging others. Because it’s so easy to judge her—to hate her, to do whatever we've done to this woman. And if we can start to become a society where we stop judging others and just simply look at ourselves and what we’re doing, then, Ms. Winfrey, we have made the world, again, a better place.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Amanda Schupak tells us how to live longer
5 Surprising Ways to Live Longer—and a Whole Lot Better
An extraordinary 80-year study has led to some unexpected discoveries about long life.
By Amanda Schupak
In 1921, a Stanford University psychologist named Lewis Terman recruited 1,500 elementary school students and began an academic inquiry that would last eight decades. Terman followed his subjects into adulthood until he passed away in 1956. Other scientists then picked up where he left off, and in 1990 psychologists Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin began poring over the wealth of data in search of factors that seemed to contribute to lengthy life spans. In The Longevity Project, Friedman and Martin reveal that some age-old wisdom—work less, avoid stress, exercise hard—is plain bad advice. From their findings, we pulled five tips that may surprise you.
1. Give More to Live More
It's no secret that people with a strong social support system tend to live longer. But it turns out that it's not what your friends and family do for you; it's what you do for them that counts. Among Terman's subjects, the men and women who liked to lend a helping hand—the ones who cared for their neighbors, the ones whom others turned to for advice—lived the longest.
2. Run the Rat Race
Everyone fantasizes about a job that isn't stressful, never follows her home, and complements her personality and interests. But the ideal work life won't necessarily extend your life-life. Study participants who persevered toward accomplishment despite high levels of stress and responsibility lived longer than the people who worked at their "dream jobs."
3. Train Without Pain
You don't need to enter marathons to have a good long run at life. Forcing yourself to follow grueling fitness regimens can shed inches, but it may not add years. In the long term, you're more likely to stick with low-impact activities you truly enjoy than rigorous workouts you dread. Moderate swimming, a leisurely bike ride, and hour-long walks with the dog do as much good for your health—and survival—as an eight-minute mile.
4. Fret a Little
Think good things and good things will happen, right? Not necessarily. Friedman and Martin found that too much optimism could be as detrimental to longevity as high cholesterol and hypertension. Always assuming the best, they say, may leave you unequipped to deal with the worst—such as trauma or illness. A little worry keeps you warmed up for the curveballs life throws.
5. Have More Fun in Bed
Almost 60 years before Sex and the City, Terman got women to talk about their sexual satisfaction, the average amount of time they spent being intimate with their husbands, and the frequency of their orgasms. The records show that the women who most often reached climax most often lived longer.
Live Your Best (Long) Life
An extraordinary 80-year study has led to some unexpected discoveries about long life.
By Amanda Schupak
In 1921, a Stanford University psychologist named Lewis Terman recruited 1,500 elementary school students and began an academic inquiry that would last eight decades. Terman followed his subjects into adulthood until he passed away in 1956. Other scientists then picked up where he left off, and in 1990 psychologists Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin began poring over the wealth of data in search of factors that seemed to contribute to lengthy life spans. In The Longevity Project, Friedman and Martin reveal that some age-old wisdom—work less, avoid stress, exercise hard—is plain bad advice. From their findings, we pulled five tips that may surprise you.
1. Give More to Live More
It's no secret that people with a strong social support system tend to live longer. But it turns out that it's not what your friends and family do for you; it's what you do for them that counts. Among Terman's subjects, the men and women who liked to lend a helping hand—the ones who cared for their neighbors, the ones whom others turned to for advice—lived the longest.
2. Run the Rat Race
Everyone fantasizes about a job that isn't stressful, never follows her home, and complements her personality and interests. But the ideal work life won't necessarily extend your life-life. Study participants who persevered toward accomplishment despite high levels of stress and responsibility lived longer than the people who worked at their "dream jobs."
3. Train Without Pain
You don't need to enter marathons to have a good long run at life. Forcing yourself to follow grueling fitness regimens can shed inches, but it may not add years. In the long term, you're more likely to stick with low-impact activities you truly enjoy than rigorous workouts you dread. Moderate swimming, a leisurely bike ride, and hour-long walks with the dog do as much good for your health—and survival—as an eight-minute mile.
4. Fret a Little
Think good things and good things will happen, right? Not necessarily. Friedman and Martin found that too much optimism could be as detrimental to longevity as high cholesterol and hypertension. Always assuming the best, they say, may leave you unequipped to deal with the worst—such as trauma or illness. A little worry keeps you warmed up for the curveballs life throws.
5. Have More Fun in Bed
Almost 60 years before Sex and the City, Terman got women to talk about their sexual satisfaction, the average amount of time they spent being intimate with their husbands, and the frequency of their orgasms. The records show that the women who most often reached climax most often lived longer.
Live Your Best (Long) Life
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Repair Your Self-Esteem
How to Repair Your Self-Esteem in 5 Easy Steps
By Cameron Holmes
There are many ways to attain higher self-esteem and self worth. Here are some effective steps that can repair your self-esteem in 5 easy ways. These steps will rejuvenate your spirit, allowing you to become a happier, more loving person.
Difficulty: Moderate
Instructions
1.Forgive yourself, and let go of past mistakes with no guilt. Enough said.
2.Develop a no justified resentment life. Just as you forgive yourself, forgive others that have wronged you. Let that past go. The secret to high self esteem is by realizing that you cannot take the things people do and say to you personal. Realize that people are imperfect as well and when they have unnecessary issue with you, it is not about YOU, it is about them. Let of grudges and resenting others - pray for them, and love them regardless, and focus on their best attributes instead of their negative ones.
3.Look good, for you! Do special things, for you. Having high self esteem is all about say no to the needs of others when it is time (and believe me, you will know when the needs of others are overshadowing yours) and saying yes to yourself.
By saying yes, and caring for you - your mind, your body, and developing your soul, you become a great parent, friend, spouse, teacher, mentor, ect because you feel at your best and worthy. Limit keeping negative company, and surround yourself with people who will accept and love you for who you are. That's taking responsibility for your life and the people you choose to have in it.
4.Love everything about you and make room for improvement. No one is perfect, but anyone can attain to be a better self. Accept the things that you cannot change, and that includes your body and your inherit capabilities. However, with God, anything is possible. Because you are most loved by your Creator, treat yourself as such. Meditate and pray on the things that you would like to change, and make active provisions about going about it.
5.Treat others with respect and with love. Positive self esteem comes from being empathetic to the needs of others. By respecting and being kind to everyone, equally, you are loving yourself. God is in everyone, even if they don't show it. When you are loving God, you are loving yourself.
Read more: How to Repair Your Self-Esteem in 5 Easy Steps | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5722190_repair-self_esteem-easy-steps.html#ixzz1FqTocK5C
By Cameron Holmes
There are many ways to attain higher self-esteem and self worth. Here are some effective steps that can repair your self-esteem in 5 easy ways. These steps will rejuvenate your spirit, allowing you to become a happier, more loving person.
Difficulty: Moderate
Instructions
1.Forgive yourself, and let go of past mistakes with no guilt. Enough said.
2.Develop a no justified resentment life. Just as you forgive yourself, forgive others that have wronged you. Let that past go. The secret to high self esteem is by realizing that you cannot take the things people do and say to you personal. Realize that people are imperfect as well and when they have unnecessary issue with you, it is not about YOU, it is about them. Let of grudges and resenting others - pray for them, and love them regardless, and focus on their best attributes instead of their negative ones.
3.Look good, for you! Do special things, for you. Having high self esteem is all about say no to the needs of others when it is time (and believe me, you will know when the needs of others are overshadowing yours) and saying yes to yourself.
By saying yes, and caring for you - your mind, your body, and developing your soul, you become a great parent, friend, spouse, teacher, mentor, ect because you feel at your best and worthy. Limit keeping negative company, and surround yourself with people who will accept and love you for who you are. That's taking responsibility for your life and the people you choose to have in it.
4.Love everything about you and make room for improvement. No one is perfect, but anyone can attain to be a better self. Accept the things that you cannot change, and that includes your body and your inherit capabilities. However, with God, anything is possible. Because you are most loved by your Creator, treat yourself as such. Meditate and pray on the things that you would like to change, and make active provisions about going about it.
5.Treat others with respect and with love. Positive self esteem comes from being empathetic to the needs of others. By respecting and being kind to everyone, equally, you are loving yourself. God is in everyone, even if they don't show it. When you are loving God, you are loving yourself.
Read more: How to Repair Your Self-Esteem in 5 Easy Steps | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5722190_repair-self_esteem-easy-steps.html#ixzz1FqTocK5C
Friday, February 11, 2011
"5 Best Things to Do for Your Relationship" By Nina Burleigh
5 Best Things to Do for Your Relationship
By Nina Burleigh
From the May 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
When it comes to love, relationships can be like cars: constant care and adjustment (instead of pricey and painful visits to the body shop/marriage counselor) are often the best way to improve and strengthen your bond. One of O's staffers gets the lowdown from the experts on five fixes to start making now.
1: "Stop all shame, blame, and criticism. Instead ask for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Men need to feel competent—that they make a contribution and that it is noticed. They like to be told what 'behavior' makes you happy. Since men tend to express affection by doing things, you should interpret their actions as love. When men know what to do and are acknowledged for it, they tend to keep doing it." — Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want
2: "Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you're very involved with your partner's mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right. Notice one small thing, and express genuine appreciation. That will change your interaction patterns from escalating negativity and criticism to building a culture of appreciation." — John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
3: "When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you're sorry for what you've said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss—some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner ('From now on, I will…'). And, of course, you stick to that. This whole AAA thing can take two minutes, but in that time you've healed the past, built a bridge to the present, and created hope for your future." — Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of The Weekend Marriage
4: "With books on the market like How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, one of the greatest services you can do for a guy is to reassure him that he doesn't have to make love like a porn star. You can show him how to have sex like a woman: creative, sensual, non-genital-based, and more pleasure- than orgasm-focused. Lead him to an experience that goes beyond his penis and makes him fully engaged—mind, body, and soul." — Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First
5: "All relationships grow a bit stale as time goes by, and the longer-lasting they are, the staler they can get. The best thing you can do is pump in some fresh air. A long weekend in a romantic hideaway would be ideal, but even a few hours in a motel helps. Don't tell anyone where you are, turn off your cell phones, and unplug the TV. When you get home, you'll find your relationship has acquired ruddy cheeks." — Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist and author of 52 Lessons on Communicating Love
More from the O vault: Heartbreak Academy
By Nina Burleigh
From the May 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
When it comes to love, relationships can be like cars: constant care and adjustment (instead of pricey and painful visits to the body shop/marriage counselor) are often the best way to improve and strengthen your bond. One of O's staffers gets the lowdown from the experts on five fixes to start making now.
1: "Stop all shame, blame, and criticism. Instead ask for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Men need to feel competent—that they make a contribution and that it is noticed. They like to be told what 'behavior' makes you happy. Since men tend to express affection by doing things, you should interpret their actions as love. When men know what to do and are acknowledged for it, they tend to keep doing it." — Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want
2: "Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you're very involved with your partner's mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right. Notice one small thing, and express genuine appreciation. That will change your interaction patterns from escalating negativity and criticism to building a culture of appreciation." — John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
3: "When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you're sorry for what you've said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss—some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner ('From now on, I will…'). And, of course, you stick to that. This whole AAA thing can take two minutes, but in that time you've healed the past, built a bridge to the present, and created hope for your future." — Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of The Weekend Marriage
4: "With books on the market like How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, one of the greatest services you can do for a guy is to reassure him that he doesn't have to make love like a porn star. You can show him how to have sex like a woman: creative, sensual, non-genital-based, and more pleasure- than orgasm-focused. Lead him to an experience that goes beyond his penis and makes him fully engaged—mind, body, and soul." — Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First
5: "All relationships grow a bit stale as time goes by, and the longer-lasting they are, the staler they can get. The best thing you can do is pump in some fresh air. A long weekend in a romantic hideaway would be ideal, but even a few hours in a motel helps. Don't tell anyone where you are, turn off your cell phones, and unplug the TV. When you get home, you'll find your relationship has acquired ruddy cheeks." — Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist and author of 52 Lessons on Communicating Love
More from the O vault: Heartbreak Academy
From Oprah's article about desire in relationships
"When Odette was after Swann, he didn't notice her. And when he grew interested, she stopped caring about him," I said.
Bellagio looked up at me, his face shining, eyes flickering fire.
Emboldened, I went on. "It seems that another person's interest in us can often make our desire for them flee."
Bellagio leaned way back in his chair, kicked his foot up onto his desk, and smiled.
I don't know what gave me the courage to tell him what was on my mind, but I did. I was standing at the door, and instead of leaving I risked a confession. "Not wanting someone who wants you. It feels kind of...familiar right now."
"What? Are you living out your own Swann in Love?" he said. I knew he wasn't going to let it go.
"Actually, it's my boyfriend. You met him two weeks ago at the play." I blushed fiercely. I knew I wasn't being clear. "It's just that he kept leaning against me.... he's..."
"Always around? Too attentive?" said Bellagio.
He'd nailed it. "How did you guess?"
"Law of nature, of desire, if you will," said Bellagio. "He wants you, so you don't want him."
This is what I call the Conquistador Mentality. You want what you can't have. Once you have it, there game is over and you're ready for a new conquest.
This happened to me with my ex. He had to have me, but once we married, he no longer had any interest in me.
Bellagio looked up at me, his face shining, eyes flickering fire.
Emboldened, I went on. "It seems that another person's interest in us can often make our desire for them flee."
Bellagio leaned way back in his chair, kicked his foot up onto his desk, and smiled.
I don't know what gave me the courage to tell him what was on my mind, but I did. I was standing at the door, and instead of leaving I risked a confession. "Not wanting someone who wants you. It feels kind of...familiar right now."
"What? Are you living out your own Swann in Love?" he said. I knew he wasn't going to let it go.
"Actually, it's my boyfriend. You met him two weeks ago at the play." I blushed fiercely. I knew I wasn't being clear. "It's just that he kept leaning against me.... he's..."
"Always around? Too attentive?" said Bellagio.
He'd nailed it. "How did you guess?"
"Law of nature, of desire, if you will," said Bellagio. "He wants you, so you don't want him."
This is what I call the Conquistador Mentality. You want what you can't have. Once you have it, there game is over and you're ready for a new conquest.
This happened to me with my ex. He had to have me, but once we married, he no longer had any interest in me.
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